I was on a work trip in San Antonio in early February when I started to feel queasy. For breakfast I wanted toast instead of a smoothie…for lunch I wanted a sandwich instead of a salad. I could feel the slightest changes happening within my body…things that were out of the ordinary enough and the slightest bit off from my norm that I just had a feeling I was pregnant. The day I got back to LA I took a home test, and sure enough: pregnant.
I turned to Dan and said, “I knew it!” and he hugged me…we were so full of joy. We told our parents and siblings immediately, because it just wasn’t like us to keep an update like that to ourselves. We remained cautiously optimistic over the next several weeks until I found a doctor here in LA and was able to confirm the pregnancy. Much to our relief, all was well. We have a baby boy on the way, due October 23rd.
I had always hoped that my grandparents could meet at least our first child while they were still here and thriving. This past Christmas, I could tell Mimi just wasn’t herself. We left her after the holiday together and three days later, she passed away. I whispered in her ear before we left for the airport that I promised we would start trying soon for a family. She lovingly told me that my secret was safe with her. She was gone within three days, and four weeks after that, I was pregnant. I trust that she had something to do with it…she left us, and a new life arrived. As for Grandpa, he is looking forward to meeting his third great-grandson as soon as he can.
I spent years agonizing in my own mind over whether or not to have a family, whether to focus on my career, whether to try to juggle both, what that would mean for my hopes and dreams and goals, and for our marriage. What I could never have anticipated was the way I felt when I read the word “Pregnant” on that home test. I fully recognize that my experience isn’t reflective of everyone’s, but here it was nonetheless: a wave of calm and peace stronger than anything I had felt before blanketed me from my head to my toes. Just a deep, intuitive feeling that all would be well. Things would work out. All of the voices of inner conflict that babbled in my head for years just melted away in that instant. For us, it was time to prepare for parenthood, and from that point forward the control would be out of our hands.
On this Mother’s Day, as I prepare for our lives to expand in October, I am thinking of my grandmother Mimi, my mother, and all of the other mother figures I’ve been lucky enough to have in my life. I’m also thinking of all of the women who have suffered challenge or loss on their paths to motherhood. This journey looks different for everyone, and it often isn’t just or fair.
Bur for today, I celebrate the strength and leadership of every mother in my family, the lasting impact they’ve had and the legacies they have created. I am honored to join them soon.
